Now That the Secret Job Search Is Over, My First Act as President of Your University Is to Be Completely Honest About My Questionable Qualifications For This Important Position

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Thanks for coming today. I’m honored to be part of this up-and-coming college. It is such an thrilling time to be half of your group. We are transferring up the rankings, producing world-class analysis, and attracting the brightest college students round.

I need to first thank the Board of Trustees, the outgoing President, and everybody else concerned in the search. I used to be impressed with the rigor and absolute secrecy of the course of. I didn’t even know what I used to be interviewing for! But I additionally know that many of you’re feeling that you weren’t concerned in the hiring course of, that it happened behind closed doorways with no group enter. I’ve additionally heard that many of you’re involved that I didn’t meet a single member of the college or workers or speak to any college students. All that’s true. I don’t actually know any of you. But I’m right here today to repair that. I need you to get to know me, the actual me, not the clean-cut, gray-haired silver fox pictured in the college newspaper. And now that each one the secrecy is behind us, I can actually open up and present you the form of particular person I really am.

Before I try this, I need to introduce my stunning spouse, Angie. Angie will likely be beginning as a first-year pupil this fall. But don’t deal with her any in a different way. She is a tough employee. Just ask her dad and mom. Really, you should ask them, as a result of they received’t speak to me. But Angie and I really like one another deeply and the legal guidelines of this state clearly enable 18-year-olds to marry. Next to Angie is my little child Amy, as effectively as my ten grownup youngsters from earlier marriages. My different wives couldn’t be right here today. OK, not precisely true. The courts say I’m not allowed to be inside 100 ft of any of them, so technically they might be right here if I weren’t.

As you most likely learn in the newspaper reports, I come from an instructional background with a Ph.D. in Applied Physiological Engineering. Again, not fairly correct. Applied Physiological Engineering is one thing I made up. Truthfully, I’ve no superior degree in any respect. Nothing however my trusty GED. But don’t let this idiot you — I perceive college students. I personally was a pupil as soon as, a really, very unhealthy pupil. And I failed lots. But then I succeeded actually massive. And now have a look at me — president of Big Fancy University. Man, it actually feels nice to get all this off my chest. I used to be actually struggling to maintain my shit collectively throughout all these secret search conferences!

As on your nice college, I actually don’t have any clue what you guys do. I’ve by no means run something. In truth, I’ve by no means been gainfully employed. But don’t concern: I’ve a extremely good strategic plan constructed on some very basic concepts that I’m positive you’ll be able to work with. We are going to have fun achievement, excellence, range, entrepreneurship, and studying, particularly studying as a result of, from what I can inform, it appears to be crucial right here.

I do know our college faces challenges — state funds cuts, altering pupil demographics, rising prices. How can we proceed to develop into the world-class establishment we’re meant to be? Well, to be completely truthful right here, I’ve no fucking thought. But we are going to make it work. If an unqualified no one like me could make it to the high of the tutorial pyramid there actually are not any limits for any of us. Wow, I really feel so significantly better. I hope you’re feeling good too, as a result of I really feel terrific, like I can lastly breathe!

Since I’m on the subject of honesty, I’ve a couple of extra small particulars I need to get off my chest. My actual identify isn’t Richard however Rocky Mountain. I’ve actually furry underarms. I see seven psychologists, three mandated by the courts. I hate animals, notably purple ones. I save my urine and like to work bare from the waist down. I consider that the world is flat, that the moon landings have been faked, and that the CIA is listening to my ideas. But you’ll be relieved to know that they can’t hear something since I drilled a big metallic plate into my cranium that blocks all secret radio transmissions. I additionally talk commonly with the alien life kind that lives in my very furry left armpit. He’s the one which advised me about this job, and he is a superb life coach.

Again, thanks all for coming. We have massive issues forward of us! With openness and honesty, we will obtain all that we dream. I hope to speak to each one of you in the coming weeks. Most of my communication will likely be via psychological gamma rays however you’ll be able to at all times drop by my Space Office on Mars for a face-to-face chat.

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