I Am Running for President and My Message to the American People Is Simple: Please Don’t Yell at Me

Dear America,

I am a candidate for President of the United States of America and I’m ready to inject this presidential race with some much-needed prudence, civility, and whiteness. My uncompelling centrist plans are exactly what the Democratic Party needs right now. In the face of a planet that’s burning up before our eyes, a population that’s trapped under the boot of the richest few, and concentration camps that are filled with children, I am here to scold progressive ideas on national television. I believe it’s my time to shine.

I only ask one thing of you, my fellow Americans: please stop yelling at me. I don’t like it and it hurts my feelings. The only way we’re going to defeat Donald Trump is by letting my terrible, out-of-touch rhetoric gently exist without any pushback. If you disagree with me, then you’re an angry, radical socialist who should be arrested. I may be fully out of touch and running purely based on my own delusional hubris, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to raise your voice at me. I know I act tough, but please don’t yell at me.

Major political victories are never won through spirited debate, passion, and anger. True change is built on a strong foundation of middle-of-the-road cowardice. Some of the greatest political change of our time was accomplished by politely nodding. You can’t have anger in your voice during a political debate that’ll decide whether our country turns to dust or not. Give my horrible ideas a chance. If there’s a fire in a movie theater, I don’t want to hear that information yelled at me. Just calmly tell me there’s a fire and then I can propose a bipartisan solution where we all do nothing and end up dying in the fire. That’s the right way to do politics.

When something is wrong in the world and great atrocities are being committed, there is only one reasonable way to respond: with dignified civility. I’m personally unaffected by the inequities of our social, political, and economic systems, so I think I’m the right person to lecture people on the proper tone we should all be taking. My life is basically an uninterrupted series of green lights, so take my word on it when I say there’s nothing to be angry about. Things are fine! Stop yelling. Specifically, stop yelling at me.

The major problem of our time is not the petulant racist currently sitting in the Oval Office. Nor is it the fact that our planet is burning up like a birthday candle and we’re doing nothing about it. No, the major problem we have to address is me getting yelled at by people. If you care so much about something that you resort to yelling to convey your point, then I cannot relate to you. I’ve lived my whole life calmly avoiding eye contact when confronted with suffering and I don’t intend to stop now.

Anyone who proposes structural change with even a hint of emotion in their voice is a radical. What America needs right now is a rational leader who’s ready to quietly mutter “Oh boy” when faced with unspeakable horrors. I am that leader. Please don’t yell at me.

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